Wednesday, October 04, 2006


"This week you may find yourself dealing with unaccustomeed bursts of energy and sharp peaks of anger, joy and grief." The Artists Way

This is one the first page of Chap. 3 and describes my life right now better that any words I could come up with.

Burst of Energy came Saturday as I went to the 2 peas crop I had been planning on for a month. I was so proud of the kit I put together and excited to see what others would do with it. Once I got there it felt like 'coming home' for the first time since I left AK. The gals were so welcoming. Even though there was intense pressure of the time limit, I felt an energy and joy for scrapping that I haven't felt in a long time.

2.5 hours into the crop the bomb dropped and energy shifted to grief.

Abby had attacked Lindy again. I needed to come home immediately.

Since then i have been struggling with overwhelming grief and emotion. Yesterday I was physically ill and could barely function.

I know those around me think I should give Abby up, that the two dogs are just too much for me right now. They say they understand that the dogs are all I have right now, but they truly are my source of strength and security and a reminder of happier times. Every time I think of giving Abby up I start to cry. The other option is to keep her muzzled and crated at all times, which I have been doing for the past three days. But she looks miserable--- it has ripped the spirit of a once happy go lucky dog.

Then there is sweet precious Lindy who has several stitches and a drain in her back and I cry looking at her. Troy says he will take her to another family member's house when she heals until I am out on my own again --- but that seems like a horrible option too. It's their house my rational mind says that as the guest it should be my dog that goes. I wish there was another way but the Vet said that this happens sometimes between two females and that they're so territorial that Abby will try to kill Lindy any chance she gets.

The situation is made all the more bleaker(great english huh) by my pathetic job search. I would probably feel better about my decision to keep Abby if I felt better about getting a job in the near future, but after three weeks of applying for jobs, I have yet to get an interview. I really didn't expect it would be this hard.

To compound matters, my mom has gone back into super worry mode. She and my sister don't understand that I don't want or like to talk about my feelings the way that they do...and because I'm not talking something must be drastically wrong. This is the part that makes me angry. I wish they could just accept me as I am.

But today is a new day...
Think. Create. Rejoice.
is my new motto --- at least for today. I really wish I could steal Oprah's Live your best life if only I could figure out what my best life is...I do know this is not it. It involves...

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